Mommy in the Closet

One Lesbian's struggle to come out of the closet



I am so, so, so, so, so sorry for missing yesterday’s blog post! I know I completely fail…however I do have a damn good reason for missing it…


(Told you it was a great reason!)

On Friday Carrie came over to cheer me up. She swung by my house at 7 and we went out to a cute little Chinese place I know of in town.

The restaurant was packed when we got there! But we squeezed into one of the little back rooms, behind the serving station. Despite the low hum of the other patrons conversation, when I looked out from behind the station it was almost as if we had the entire restaurant all to ourselves.

We sat and chatted about trivial every day things : work, kids, family and let the events from the days before slide by as if it had never happened. I was so very glad she was there.

I found her hand from across the table.

She gave it a gentle squeeze.

“I’m really glad you’re here with me,” I said.

“I know. Me too.” She awkwardly smiled around her last bite of egg roll.

“Thank you,” I said. And I had to look away because my eyes were starting to fill with tears.

I’m not certain if she noticed, but she gave my hand another gentle squeeze of support.

“So what do you want to do next?” She asked.

“Movie marathon!” I said. “I could use a good laugh.”

She smiled warmly at me. “Movie marathon it is.”

When we got back to my place I went into the Kitchen to make some popcorn and she started browsing my DVD collection. When I got back with the bowl she had already started up Liar, Liar.

“You said you wanted a laugh!” She said. “None better than Jim Carrey!”

We cuddled up under a blanket, the popcorn bowl in between us giggling at the over the top antics of Jim Carrey. And I couldn’t help but feel like a weight had been lifted. For the first time in days, I felt good. Great, actually. What did it matter if my parents didn’t quite understand me. This felt right. So right.

I smiled to myself.

“What’s that smile for?” She asked.

“What? Nothing.” I said

“Yeah right, you were up to something!” She said. “I know you better than that.”

Without thinking I dipped my hand into the popcorn bowl and threw some in her direction.

“Hey!” She said.

She threw a couple kernels back at me.

I threw some back.

Suddenly popcorn was flying everywhere and we were giggling like little kids. Finally I took the bowl and dumped it over her head.

“I win!” I said now that we were out of ammunition.

“Yes, but now we have nothing to eat,” she countered.

“Says you!” And I playfully leaned in and scooped a piece of popcorn off of her shirt with my mouth.

When I leaned back up she was starring at me, but she wasn’t smiling any longer.

The smile vanished from my face.

She leaned over and tucked the hair behind my ears with her finger tips. Then she leaned in and kissed me. It was as if the world melted away. I was lost in her touch, her smell, her presence. I felt the world spinning around us, but I didn’t care. Slowly she unbuttoned my jeans and slid her hand inside, tracing my outline through my underwear.

That’s when it hit me. Like a brick wall that pops up out of nowhere. Bam!

I wasn’t nervous anymore. I wasn’t worried or afraid. It didn’t feel too fast. Sitting there in her arms felt absolutely right. I was ready.

Of course that would be the moment that Parker started crying from upstairs in his crib and I had to untangle myself from her arms to go check on him. When I got back Carrie was putting on her coat and shoes at the door apologizing that she had to get going.

I kissed her sadly goodbye and watched as she got into her car and drove away.

“Screw it!” I said and went in search of my phone. “I’m telling her now before I chicken out again!”

H : I’m ready.

C : Did you just send me that? Or was that delayed?

H : I just sent it.

C : Ok…? Confused. Ready for what?

I took a deep breath and sent her a dirty picture.

C : Holy Hell! Warn a person before you do that! Or I’ll crash my car!!

I laughed. I knew at the other end of the phone she was laughing too. It felt great. It felt secure. I was totally ready.

We made plans to meet on Monday.

And ladies and gentlemen, yesterday came and went without a blog because for the first time in my life I was having sex with a girl!!

I had sex with a girl!!

It was amazing and wonderful and … Omg! Why didn’t I come out YEARS ago??!!

I finally understand what you mean when you said, it felt like coming home.

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12 Thoughts on “Home

  1. GlitterGirl on November 13, 2012 at 4:12 pm said:

    Woohoo! I’m glad that you felt so right about it. A very close friend asked me if I hesitated or felt anxious at all when I was telling her about my first, and I remember very clearly feeling like it was exactly right for me. I felt like I was (and am) home. And what is it about food and sex? My gf and I got into a whipped cream fight! :)

    • Hahahahaha! Whip cream! I hadn’t thought of that!! Although something tells me I’d need a shower afterwards… STICKY!
      Oo.. Or maybe we can have sex IN the shower! Hehehhe :)

      It is great when you feel like it is exactly right; when fear and anxiety are gone and you’re just completely in the moment. I’m really glad we waited instead of rushing the moment. First times should be great!
      Heather recently posted..HomeMy Profile

  2. Oh I remember that feeling well. Congratulations!
    Kristin recently posted..Day in the Life | Courtney and Steve | Ottawa Wedding PhotographerMy Profile

  3. TheBiGirlNextDoor on November 13, 2012 at 6:14 pm said:

    Awesome!!! I told you — we all ask ourselves, why didn’t I start doing this years ago!?!?! And now, if you’re like me, you’re gonna want to make up for lost time. Again…and again…and them some more.

    • TheBiGirlNextDoor on November 13, 2012 at 6:14 pm said:

      *and then some more

      • Hahahahaha…!
        And again,… And again,… And again,…. ;)
        It’s so true though once you have that feeling of coming home you wonder to yourself, why didn’t I try this before? What was I so worried about? Screw everyone else and their judgements… I’m right where I should be.
        Heather recently posted..HomeMy Profile

  4. **Care** on November 13, 2012 at 6:36 pm said:

    Congrats!!! Maybe the fireworks continue to fly ;) hehe Ik they will becuz well sex with a girl is like everything and plus double plus more!! Now i wanna have a popcorn fight! a Whipped cream fight however sounds really fun…hmm maybe i should do that one day.

  5. You had sex with a woman and I missed it?! I mean, uh, I’m a day late to the post party;). Congrats, hon. I’m truly happy for you. Yes, it is “like coming home.”

  6. Whoops! Guess that you wrote this today not yesterday. I kinda got lost for a minute. It must’ve been the big news:).

    • No worries, it’s distracting I know!
      I always remembered that you called it “coming home”… I got that wording from you, Ricki. And the best part is you were exactly right. Exactly. There’s no better way to put it. :)
      Heather recently posted..HomeMy Profile

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