For the past few weeks I have been text messaging back and forth with Nicole.
She was a sweet heart. We got along alright, and I can’t help but feel as if we missed out on something the night we went out. I think in the back of my mind it could have been more, had I let it.
So we arranged to meet this past Saturday. We both had prior commitments in the morning, her with her Grandmother, me with a client meeting over coffee. We agreed to text when free and then we would meet up at a local coffee shop. As promised she texted me around 4:30, but my heart wasn’t in it.
I sat on my bed, holding the glowing phone in my hand and knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make the date. I’d been feeling restless all day long in anticipation, but it wasn’t the good kind of restless.
And so, with Brian watching confused from the shadows, I began to type my apologies. I wouldn’t be able to make our date. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. Knowing that if I couldn’t explain it to Brian there was no way I would ever be able to explain it to her.
Even now I can’t help but wonder… was this another opportunity missed? Or the moment one grows older and wiser?
From the moment I announced on my blog that Brian had given me permission to see women outside of the context of our marriage your voices rang in with advice. ‘Try to find a married woman,’ you cautioned already wisened over complex experiences I had never had. I remember thinking that would be the ideal, but how does one even go about FINDING a married woman to date? It seemed like a fool’s errand; an impossible mission. And so I barely tried.
But here’s the thing, as is so often the case, I think you were right.
When I met Carrie she was so full of promise. She said the right things and made me feel there was a world of possibility ahead. But she wasn’t the right fit for me. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that we were worlds away from each other. We walked in with the same expectations, but we did not walk out with the same. I feel it would be unfair to repeat the same sad scenario with another single girl. Honestly, how does one date a married woman? If we could get in our minds that this wasn’t dating, but a friend with benefits. Perhaps it could happen. But it seems to me that even when that is agreed upon in the beginning, that is not what actually happens.
I got a text from Carrie the other day, it simply read : ‘Don’t be sad, I’m glad you were in my life.’
I’m glad too. Carrie was not what I expected, but I am still so grateful for the experiences and fun that I had with her. I will never regret the moments that I shared with her. But I can look back on the experiences I had with her with wizened eyes and know that there were many things I would do differently the second time around.
I thought I was being cautious when I met her. Brian and I sat down with Carrie and explained who we were and what we were looking for. All parties seemed to have understood and agreed. Brian and I did it as one. In honesty though, I wasn’t being cautious. She and I hit it off on Ok Cupid and that was all I seemed interested in seeing. If I had sat back, I would have seen her immature streak. I would have felt the warning signs. But I was inexperienced and so ready to get out into the world and experience what I had only been thinking about for an eternity. I was ready. I was blind.
Next time, however, I think I’ll limit my possibilities for failure.
I’ve decided to start my search for someone in a similar situation to myself: married but permission to play.
This way the expectations are the same right off the bat. We both have husbands that we do not plan to leave. We both have a need those husbands cannot fulfill.
I believe this will also make things better for Brian. He has been so amazing throughout the whole thing. He has been my friend and my strength and has accepted everything with grace, but I do know it bothers him. Even if it is just on a subconscious level. He has wanted this experiment with women to help me, and so help our marriage so much so that he has been unwilling to voice objections. Even if objections were founded. I think sometimes he feels that saying “no” will drive me away permanently, when this really isn’t the case. Marriage is full of yes’s and no’s. Of permissions and compromises.
So instead of another Carrie, I’m looking forward to a grounded ‘M’. I don’t know how to begin this search really, except for changing my OkCupid profile to stating “searching for married women ONLY”… so if any of you have advice on the subject, I’m all ears!!
I choose to look forward to a great relationship. To new adventures. To MIND BLOWING sex.
I knew in the very beginning that it wouldn’t be easy having an open relationship, but I know that it will be worth it in the end.