I love this photo.
It could have been taken out of my wedding album. It is the kind of cute photo Brian and I would have more than willingly posed for; “Sole mates” written across our sneakers and our hearts.
Because a little over eight years ago, as I held Brian’s hands in mine and pledged our “I Do’s” I really did believe we were soul mates.
Unfortunately a lot of things have changed.
Married life is extremely hard, and that’s when one of the couple isn’t a lesbian! Raising children, making money, paying bills, solving and resolving the same fights cause every day families to break apart. But here we are, fighting it out, trying to be there for one another when we feel as if we are being pulled farther apart with each passing day.
I don’t often talk about Brian and I on the blog. It’s more fun to tell you all about the good. I colour Brian as a wonderful, patient man who is willing to let me explore a new and emerging part of myself. And he is. He is. But the problem is, even the most patient man in the world can become impatient. Even the most understanding, can feel as if he is being left behind. We’re both struggling to understand this person that I am becoming, but from opposite sides of the room. I’m going out while he is always staying in. I’m exploring, while he is being left behind.
It isn’t an easy thing to go through. It isn’t an easy thing to write down.
We’ve discussed having a completely open marriage where not only am I free to go and have relationships with women, but he is as well.
Maybe he’s just beginning to feel that “seven year itch” but I see behind his eyes that he is considering it. And honestly, it hurts me.
It hurts me to think of him with another woman. I won’t lie. It does. I know that makes me sound completely selfish. Who am I to say that I can go and see another woman but my husband, the patient, amazing man has to stay behind and watch while I am happy and he is miserable?
It’s not that.
In the very beginning I was worried about going out and dating women, myself. I was worried and I hesitated. And true, once I was there it felt wonderful. It felt like coming home because I was finally able to realize a part of myself that I had always denied before. So I forgot about my legitimate worries. I put THEM in the closet and turned my back to them. But that doesn’t mean that those worries stop being there.
And now that we are discussing Brian finding someone as well I feel the worries that I thought I had shut up for good in my dark closet, resurfacing.
I’m afraid that we are playing with fire. I’m afraid that once this door opens, not only for me, that it will be the end of our marriage. I am terrified that once we do this there will be nothing that will bring us back together. After all, once all of this is said and done, what will we need each other for? Money?
It’s a terrifying realization : One false step, one wrong decision and you bring down the marriage you have so carefully crafted.
Heather, thank you for sharing your fears and your journey. I can relate to so many things you’ve written. I should’ve recognized the signs that I was attracted to girls and women, but instead I ignored them and married my husband, a great guy who fathered my children. I tried to make our life work. We both did, but I ended up leaving to finally live my truth. It’s been terrifying, but I think I’m being honest with myself for the first time in my life. I think the fear kept us together too long
but i am grateful for my children. I hope that you find what you need and that you can find a way to make your life work for you.
I’ve found a lot of people can empathize. It seems like the world over there are people who either are or were at one time in my situation.
It’s sad because if society was more accepting, we probably wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. But then like you said, we wouldn’t have our wonderful children. And I couldn’t imagine life without them.
Fear definitely keeps you paralyzed. It keeps you in the closet for too long, afraid to speak. And then once out, it keeps you frozen in place, afraid of the unknown. Do you move forward or back? Can you move forward with the relationships you have in tact? Or does moving forward in some way or another bring about the end of those relationships.
I don’t envy MYSELF this one. lol
My heart hurt, after reading your poignant post. I wish that I had wise words to offer. I think, though, that continued communication is key. At least, you and Brian are open and honest with each other. Please try and be gentle with yourself. Your new journey has just begun.
I have to admit, it’s difficult to be gentle with myself when I feel that I am possibly ending relationships left and right.
But I try. I tell myself it is for the best. We decided, together, to try ME seeing other people. Now we will decide, together, if him seeing other people is right too. We can’t not do it out of fear if staying in one place makes us both miserable. Then the relationship will be equally over.
I’ve been thinking about a response to this for a few days now. I can relate to so much that you say here. It hurts, it’s exhausting but for me it is impossible to ignore so I’ve had to keep pushing through to try to find a way to have it all. We are entering year five since I figured out I like to be with women too, and it is STILL a work in progress.
Just know that all of these feelings you’re having are feelings that many of us feel. I want to see others but don’t want him to — yep. The feelings of him being left behind — yep. Changing my mind on what I want for me and what I want for us — yep.
I’m a strong proponent of couples therapy. It took a lot to get my husband there but I honestly don’t think we’d still be married if we had not had the help of a therapist during a few of the hardest months we endured as a married couple trying to adjust to one spouse’s changing sexuality.
Trust me, I have been pushing couple’s therapy over the past few weeks. The problem is, Brian and I tried a few therapists in the beginning and had bad experiences with all of them. I think it has coloured it for Brian as something that does not work.
I keep trying to tell him that sometimes you have to “date” a therapist, until you find the right one… But I don’t think he’s buying it. *sigh*
Honestly, it’s not that I don’t want him out there, dating. It’s more that I’m afraid if he does… what will he need me for? What will keep us together than (other than our children)? Will that be signing a death warrant for our marriage? When I decided to go see women, was I signing it then?
Too many questions for one blog post.
I guess you have to ask yourself that if you are both getting that intimacy from someone other than yourselvs, then what are you getting from each other that is worth staying for? Is it just a partial relationship at that point? Is that (and will that remain) fulfilling?
Personally, I couldn’t do it. And as much as I thought I loved the man I was with years and years and years ago, I didn’t experience true love and intimacy until I found the woman of my dreams.
Everyone is different though, but aren’t you both entitled to be with the person that completes you? Body and soul?
when i think about my husband going to explore it hurts me too. but he says he doesn’t want to. but i wonder if he’s as afraid as i am of actually going there. you have more courage than i do heather, right now im pretty much frozen in fear at this point.
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I think it’s definitely fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what it will mean for your marriage. Fear of losing the person you currently have.
We’re all struggling with the fear of the unknown, afraid to experience life. *sigh* Now if I could figure out how to get over said fear… then I’d be a genius!
(And I’d write it into a self help book and make MILLIONS! wahahahaha..)