I love this photo.
It could have been taken out of my wedding album. It is the kind of cute photo Brian and I would have more than willingly posed for; “Sole mates” written across our sneakers and our hearts.
Because a little over eight years ago, as I held Brian’s hands in mine and pledged our “I Do’s” I really did believe we were soul mates.
Unfortunately a lot of things have changed.
Married life is extremely hard, and that’s when one of the couple isn’t a lesbian! Raising children, making money, paying bills, solving and resolving the same fights cause every day families to break apart. But here we are, fighting it out, trying to be there for one another when we feel as if we are being pulled farther apart with each passing day.
I don’t often talk about Brian and I on the blog. It’s more fun to tell you all about the good. I colour Brian as a wonderful, patient man who is willing to let me explore a new and emerging part of myself. And he is. He is. But the problem is, even the most patient man in the world can become impatient. Even the most understanding, can feel as if he is being left behind. We’re both struggling to understand this person that I am becoming, but from opposite sides of the room. I’m going out while he is always staying in. I’m exploring, while he is being left behind.
It isn’t an easy thing to go through. It isn’t an easy thing to write down.
We’ve discussed having a completely open marriage where not only am I free to go and have relationships with women, but he is as well.
Maybe he’s just beginning to feel that “seven year itch” but I see behind his eyes that he is considering it. And honestly, it hurts me.
It hurts me to think of him with another woman. I won’t lie. It does. I know that makes me sound completely selfish. Who am I to say that I can go and see another woman but my husband, the patient, amazing man has to stay behind and watch while I am happy and he is miserable?
It’s not that.
In the very beginning I was worried about going out and dating women, myself. I was worried and I hesitated. And true, once I was there it felt wonderful. It felt like coming home because I was finally able to realize a part of myself that I had always denied before. So I forgot about my legitimate worries. I put THEM in the closet and turned my back to them. But that doesn’t mean that those worries stop being there.
And now that we are discussing Brian finding someone as well I feel the worries that I thought I had shut up for good in my dark closet, resurfacing.
I’m afraid that we are playing with fire. I’m afraid that once this door opens, not only for me, that it will be the end of our marriage. I am terrified that once we do this there will be nothing that will bring us back together. After all, once all of this is said and done, what will we need each other for? Money?
It’s a terrifying realization : One false step, one wrong decision and you bring down the marriage you have so carefully crafted.