On Saturday I’m going out to my first Roller Derby game with Nicole. Her team is playing a team from a closeby town and she invited me to come see her in action.
N: Want to come see me in action?
H: We’re going to have sex?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!
N: Uhhh… not quite what I meant.
True if she were inbetween my legs I wouldn’t exactly be “watching” her in action. I’d probably have my head back, eyes closed and be moaning for all I was worth, but still I thought it was a little misleading to phrase it that way. But I digress…
I don’t know if roller derby is my thing. But I do know that I enjoy beautiful women in short shorts any day of the week, so I agreed to go.
Then I spent the next half an hour on wikipedia boning up on roller derby lingo so that I wouldn’t sound quite so stupid in front of Nicole or her friends. (This is the first time I’m going to meet her friends.. I’m assuming that means that things are going… well?)
Let’s see what have I learned so far?
A bout: is a 60 minute match (not a bout of milaria or other sinister sounding disease), usually divided into two 30 minute periods.
A jammer : A player (idenitifed by a star on their helmet) who can score for their team.
A blocker : Players on the team who block the other teams jammer from scoring.
Pack : A mass of blockers skating together (to bring down a herd!) to block the jammer. The jammer must skate around the pack, risking bodily harm, to score points.
Blocking Zone : A place where it is OK to hit someone and cause bodily harm in order to block them from passing.
Jab to the stomach? Ok.
Elbow to the Head? Not ok.
Slap on the Ass? Ok.
Kick to the shin? Not ok.
Ok.. I think I’m seeing a trend here.
Basically I spent half an hour learning that Roller Derby is a sport I could never play, being the easily bruised kind. Basically if I were to play this game I would be insuring that I could never go out in public again because every person that saw me thereafter would be convinced I was being abused at home and would call the cops.
Guess I’ll have to scratch that one off the bucket list.
I did, however, learn enough that I think I won’t sound like a complete moron the entire night. And if worse comes to worse, I saved a couple of the pages on favourites on my phone for easy access. Then when the crowd starts hissing and booing around me, I’ll be able to look it up and understand that “that bitch of a blocker just commited a major on our jammer!”
Do I sound like I know what I’m talking about yet?
Yeah.. I didn’t think so either.
I have also been invited to the after party victory celebration/you’ll-get-em-next-time-drink-a-thon.
I think I’ll stick to mixed drinks this time.
That way if/when I spend the night I can tell you all the dirty details afterwards!