Ok, seriously… how do I get my hot women friends to pose naked with me for a photograph? Do I have to bribe them? Threaten them? Lie to them?
Tell them that for every minute they don’t someone, somewhere will kill a baby kitten until they get naked and rub their bodies up against me?
I don’t support kitten murder, do you?
I’ve been debating whether I should write this post or not for the past week.
I *think* I have finally decided to write it. Either that or I will write it up and it will stay saved in my drafts for the next 13 years until one day I stumble upon it while I am doing some spring cleaning on my blog and have a good chuckle at myself for ever having been so niave.
I kinda hope, I do the latter.
Or that at the very least I can look back on the self from my past with good humour and smile at how young I really was.
You’ve all read by now how I have a new job.
For the first time in my life I have taken on a job and have not hit the ground running right from the start. I’m struggling. I’m frustrated. I think about quiting on the daily and then I remind myself that a) I’m not the quitting type and b) quitting means being out on the street in a cardboard box in the middle of monsoon season. So… I stay put.
I can’t tell you how frustrated I feel each and every day I walk into a job that I just cannot seem to find my rhythm in. The good thing (and I say good thing loosely) is that everyone who was in my training class is having an equally difficult time. I’m sitting at about 50% of what is expected of me. There is one girl who is doing better than me and she is sitting at 75%. The rest are hurting more than my meager 50%.
That, somehow, sounds like I’m bragging, but I’m not. We’re all frustrated and trying to hit a goal that feels so very far out of reach. The feedback that I am getting is that we’re all feeling the exact same way.
Anyway, this isn’t really the issue that I wanted to not discuss… it’s just the precursor.
I found out a few weeks ago that someone from another department was going to come and mentor me. They were going to help me reach my sales goals, etc. etc.
I have to admit I felt hurt when I heard it. No one else on my team was getting a mentor. Why was I being singled out?
And I did feel very, very singled out.
And every time my mentor walks over to my desk for our hour long coaching session, I feel my face begin to blush. My eyes dart and I wonder who is watching and what the whispers are saying when I’m out of earshot.
Why am I any different?
It hurt for a little while…
When I met my mentor, however, things started to change. Lisa is a really awesome, upbeat kind of person. She is ALWAYS positive. She ALWAYS has a smile plastered on her face. She ALWAYS knows the right thing to say to people; be it fellow workers or customers. She’s just that awesome.
She’s also an open, married, lesbian.
…And I kinda have a thing for her.
I haven’t asked her, but I think she likes me a bit too. It’s in the nervous air that’s between us. The smile that stays on our lips a little too long. The little too friendly banter that is exachanged between us. There is something there. So now every time she walks over I find myself blushing for more reasons than just one.
The thing is, just because I feel butterflies in my stomach every time this beautiful, self assured, butch (yes… she’s a butch! How crazy is that???!) is near does not mean I have to do anything about it. I’m a married women, with a GIRLFRIEND for crying out loud. I can minimize the drama that is in my life and remain totally professional and platonic with this girl. I know some times your body and your head doesn’t commune properly. You can have feelings for someone without ever acting on them. This is what I choose to do here. I like my life, just the way it is… Thank-you-very-much…
Do I like my life just the way it is?
Sunday was my 29th birthday. 29! I’m fast approaching the next decade of my life and when I look back at all I have accomplished, all that I have become I don’t know that I’m actually… proud… of who I am.
I know coming out of the closet after you are married is a hard and treacherous road, but did I make the right decisions?
Sometimes I think yes. Sometimes I think no.
I look at my life and who I am and feel like I am still living my life in the closet. I am a married woman with a girlfriend on the side. Does this feel pure? Does it feel honest?
If I am truly honest with myself, I cannot in any way say I feel as if I am living an authentic life.
I’m still pretending.
I told myself I was out of the closet only to blindly step into a new closet, with a whole new set of bi-folds, bolts and padlocks. I’ve closeted myself once again.
Only now the walls that hold me in are of an entirely different substance. I’m not lying to the world. I’m lying to myself.