Sometimes you just need to get away from it all.
But getting away isn’t really possible. So a few Saturdays ago I decided I needed to get the hell out of dodge and Nicole was going with me whether she liked it or not.
To say I have been stressed out lately would be the world’s greatest understatement. Everyone has noticed. The kids wonder why Mommy’s temper is so short. Brian smiles and attempts to be apathetic throughout the mood swings; the crying fits, the yelling fits, the…’ I-don’t-want-to-do-this-anymore-can’t-anyone-just-understand-that!!’ fits… He smiles and does his best to console.
Nicole has also been getting her fair share of the ugly Heather lately. You would think she would be the one place where I could go and just be at peace. Get away from everything that is driving me insane. But sadly, I’m just in an all around foul mood.
…. I think it’s time Heather revisited some anti-depressants…
But that’s another blog post.
A couple of weeks ago I decided I was sick of myself. I was sick of feeling crappy and it was time to pull myself out of the wallow I had fallen into. So I picked out some of my favourite sexy things and drove to the local hotel.
It was a total of 5 minutes away. But the view looked different from that first story window. It looked brighter, even though the sun wasn’t shining. It looked more like my old self. The one that I had been missing so badly: the funny, playful, romantic, awesome… I CAN DO ANYTHING, THE WORLD IS MINE… self…
I picked up my phone and texted Nicole.
H: Whatcha doin?
N: Waiting to hear from you, silly.
H: Well in that case! I have a surprise for you….
N: What’s up?
H: Come and find out for yourself…
H: Room 119
N: … Are you in the hospital?
H: What? No!
H: Come on!
H: I said I had a surprise not… don’t hate me but I ran over someone’s cat.. then freaked out because I had probably just killed a little kid’s snowball and ran into a tree!
H: I’m at the hotel! Come visit!
It took her another 20 minutes to show up. Apparently she wanted to shower and look good for me too.
But I wasn’t complaining because that gave me just enough time to put on the sexy clothing I had so carefully picked out before leaving.
Nicole knocked on the door just as I had finished doing the last strap.
“Holy Hell you look good!” She said as she entered the room.
“Thanks,” I said smiling… “… and this can be all yours for the low, low price of…”
She leaned in and kissed me before I could finish the sentence.
And then her arms were around me, exploring the fabric of the slinky lingerie I was wearing. “You look amazing,” she said between kisses. She ran her hand down through my hair, over the curve of my back and came to rest on my ass. She gave it a squeeze…
“So, am I coming in?”
I smiled, grabbed her by the coat and led her toward the bed.
We spent the next four hours in the room making use of the lingerie and other, fun, sexy things that I had brought with me.
And then as we lay breathless and naked in each others arms, she pulled a tiny piece of hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear.
“I missed you,” she said.
“I missed me too..” I said smiling. I knew exactly what she meant. Here, lying with her under the covers in the hotel I felt more like myself than I had in the months prior. I felt like smiling again. It was as if all of the stress had been drained from my body and had been replaced with endorphins. Like the body’s natural equivalent to happy pills, I was on a high and it felt great. I was glad she was there to experience it with me. I had missed this; being able to lie naked in her arms for hours on end. I had missed the way we used to make each other sweat and shudder with a single touch. I had missed this feeling.
She leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. Soft. Meaningful. Her arms still circling around me. And then she stopped, looked down, and sadly pressed her forehead to my own.
“I know we said when we started, ‘no strings attached’, but…”
“What’s wrong?” I asked, taking her face in my hands.
“I love you,” she said. “I love you.”
Three words. Three tiny words and my calm was gone again. The stress was back. And I was seeing it in a whole new light. I like to blame work and kids on stress, but a lot of my stress is of my own doing. How do two people try to stay together when they add a third person into the mix? How does it not get serious? How can you play with another person’s emotions and expect it all to work out alright?
I felt my temples throbbing and my eye began to twitch. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to respond. How could I?
How did I feel about her? Did I love her too? I knew I had developed deep feelings for this woman who was always there and always wonderful to me. She was a positive influence on my life. Everything she touched seemed immediately better. But did I love her? I didn’t know. And if I did fall in love with her, how would that be fair to her or to me? Or to Brian? Or to anyone? How was any of this fair to anyone?
And I realized that I had been purposely avoiding the subject for a long time. That these feelings for this woman had been growing but that I had been trying to ignore them for my own sanity’s sake…
But I was just driving myself further onto the ledge.
You can’t ignore the inevitable.
Eventually… you just have to jump.